Pearls of Wisdom
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Interesting and sometimes humerous emails I have recieved over the years
Pearls of Wisdom
This page is supported by Newayci.com.
Interesting and sometimes humerous emails I have recieved over the years
by Banff Park Tourists
Yes, they're ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned By Parks Canada staff!
1. How do the Elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
2. At what elevation does an Elk become a Moose?
3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "Tourist: "Oh".
4. Are the Bears with collars tame?
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
9. Are there birds in Canada?
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Rice fields?
16. How far is Banff from Canada?
17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?
21. Are there phones in Banff?
22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles?
23. We're on the decibel system you know.
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
26. Don't you Canadians know anything?
27. Where do you put the animals at night?
28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?" Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom". Tourist: "Oh!"
TO: All Employees
RE: Swearing at work
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you wer en't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.
They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes from the Dilberts we work for in corporate America:
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales,Microsof Corp. in Redmond WA)
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor,
Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix
Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is notgoing to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor,AT&T Long Lines Division)
A Piece of Music
Signs At the Office
WHO SPENT TIME GATHERING ITEMS LIKE THIS?
DID THEY HAVE A GOVERNMENT GRANT?
AND WHY, JUST WHY?
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but he animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them
for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law,it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The
husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness
the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmm....I won't touch THAT one!)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research?)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)
And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (How did they find this out?)
Just click on it, it's not porn (unless you're a cat).
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not
live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to
live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is
why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all
those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal
anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the
president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm
just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There
were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly
trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phyllis manager,
Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our
air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
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" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another" -- George Bush, US President
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee
Iacocca
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"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his
Iran-Contra testimony.
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel
Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a
change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville,
South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to
bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning,
when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.
How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person..
Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
teach that person to use the Internet and they won't
bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you
see one tumble down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going
to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying
in hospitals dying of nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder
these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they
used to.
7. According to a recent survey, men say the first
thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and
women say the first thing they notice about men is
they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It
pays no attention to criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase
costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax
cut saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac
to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest
profession. I have come to realize that it bears a
very close resemblance to the first.
13. There is a theory which states that if ever
anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and
why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states
that this has already happened.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest
fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
(And I can't get anything happening in my hibachi with
gasoline and a flame thrower).
15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them
came here legally, but they hung around on these
expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late
with a video and those people are all over you. Let's
put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
These little simple questions are harder than you think--it just shows
you
how little we pay attention to the common place things of life. Put your
thinking
caps on.
Mind teasers of COMMON KNOWLEDGE No cheating! No looking around! No
using
anything on or in your desk or computer!
Can you beat 18?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers and check
answers (on the bottom) AFTER completing all the questions.
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What two letters don't appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!)
6.What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
7. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
8. How many matches are in a standard pack?
9. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?
15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?
16. Which way do fans rotate?
17. Whose face is on a dime?
18. How many sides does a stop sign have?
19. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
23.How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
25.On which playing card is the cardmaker's trademark?
26. On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the
opening
between the slats?
27. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center?
28. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no
digits?
29. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
30. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Don't look at answers below until you complete all the questions:
1. Bottom
2. 50 (please tell me you got this one!)
3. Right
4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, & gold
5. Q, Z
6. 1, 0
7. Right
8. 20
9. Red
10. 88
11. Counter (north of the equator)
12. Towards bottom right
13. 12 (no #1)
14. Left
15. Top
16. Clockwise as you look at it
17. Roosevelt
18. 8
19. Left
20. 5
21. 6
22. Bashful
23. 8
24. Did you notice there wasn't one?
25. Ace of spades
26. Left
27. ONE
28. *, #
29. 3
30. Counter
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before
the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack
a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that
has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus
1. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.
2. You can prove you have a beer.
3. If you've devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.
4. When you have a beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
Something for when you are having a bad day !!!
A LITTLE OFFICE PRAYER
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change, The courage to change things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I
had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on
today, as they may be connected to the ass that I
might have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work......
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
and help me to remember .......
When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that
people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42
muscles to frown And only 4 to extend my fingers
and tell them to f.....off.
There is another virus. The code name is "WORK". If
you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via
e-mail, or from anyone else-do not touch WORK under
any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private
life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this
virus, take two friends & go straight to the nearest
bar. Order drinks & after three rounds, you will find
that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5
friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this
means you are already infected by this virus & WORK
already controls your whole life.
If this is the case, go to the bar & stay until you
make at least 5 friends.
even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed
with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on
it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just
standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one
flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They
know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a
screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport
the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too
many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
shithead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that
one special person you want to annoy for the rest of
your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I
am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number
of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't
want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know
where it's been.
__________________
George Carlin's View on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in
our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions." How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21 YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out.! There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there.. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make ! it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them.
That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't! take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away .
If you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares?
Ý1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen
start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off
its wheels.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip
on the side....
23. If your working TV sits on top of your non-working T.V...
25. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...
26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the
K-Mart...
27. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always
brings you home...
29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher
30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"
32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph...
33. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and
you take them out to see what it is...
34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said
concentrate...
35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
36. If you don't understand why the first 35 above are not funny
Tech Support Hell
Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin' yet". This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper- by holding it in front of the monitor screen - and hitting the,"Send" key.
4. Yet another, Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses ..... shouldn't be taken
personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I
pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk.
When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in.
" The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied to remove Disk 1 first.
10. A story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken - and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the
cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."
12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P' ".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I ain't gonna to do that!"
1. Don't miss the boat.
2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
4. Stay Fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do
something really big.
5. Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be
done.
6. Build your future on high ground.
7. For safety sake, travel in pairs.
8. Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the
cheetahs.
9. When you're stressed, float a while.
10. Remember, the arks was built by amateurs; the Titanic by
professionals.
11. No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a
rainbow waiting.
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Rock N Roll For Older People
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
People over 30 should be dead. According to today's regulatorsand
bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, and
the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
There was nothing to stop us from sticking a fork in an electrical
outlet.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and
when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air
bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a
special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a
bottle. Horrors! We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it,
but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no
one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then rode
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we
were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us
all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at
all, no 99 channels oncable, video tape movies, surround sound,
personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We
had friends! We went outside and found them.
We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We
fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were
no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to
blame but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and
learned to get over it. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls
and ate worms and mud pies, and although we were told it would
happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us
forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door,
or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and
were held back to repeat the same grade. Again, horrors! Tests were
not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a
parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually
sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them!
Congratulations.
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own
good...
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?
1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect
it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average .
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other
parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the
rain.
9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my
hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me
before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough
sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays
off now.
19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death .....
twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your
brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.
27- Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to
steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll
have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body
is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just
don't have film!
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't
even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed
with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on
it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just
standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one
flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They
know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a
screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport
the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too
many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
shithead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that
one special person you want to annoy for the rest of
your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I
am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number
of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't
want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know
where it's been.
__________________
George Carlin's View on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in
our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions." How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21 YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out.! There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there.. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make ! it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them.
That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't! take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away .
If you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares?
Due to the complexity and difficulty level, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.
Toilet Paper: Does It Grow On The Holder?
Round Table Discussion
Is It Possible To Urinate After Lifting The Seat?
Group Practice
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics
Dishes And Silverware: Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Sink?
Examples On Video
Identity Crisis: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other
Helpline And Support Groups
Learning How To Find Things
Looking In The Right Place Instead Of Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming
Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
Graphics And Audio Tape
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real Life Testimonials (may be canceled due to unavailability of testimonials)
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulation
How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion
Exercises, Meditation And Breathing Techniques
How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates
Special Bonus Course: Calling When You're Going To Be Late
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions And Full Lobotomies Offered
INNER PEACE - PLEASE READ
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me... and at this time of year we all could use a little calm!
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace... the article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... and before coming to work this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Tia Maria, my Prozac, some valium, my cigarettes and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin good I feel....
You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace...
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman.
neither works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
There are three kinds of men:
Good judgment comes from experience; and a lot, of that comes from bad judgment.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag, is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth, shut.
About Growing Old Eventually you will reach, a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when every thing either dries up or leaks.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witch craft. Today it's called golf.
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
The Most Functional English Word
Well, it's shit...that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional
word in the English language.
Consider:
You can get shit-faced,
Be shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains.
With a little effort,
you can get your shit together,
Find a place for your shit, Or
be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while
others can't tell the difference
between Shit and Shineola.
There are lucky shits,
dumb shits,
crazy shits,
There is bull shit,
horse shit and
chicken shit.
You can throw shit,
sling shit,
catch shit,
shoot the shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or
serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit
or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit or
a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit, or find
yourself up shits creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a
bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of the English
language.
And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along,
if you give a shit.
Or not do so,
If you don't give a shit!
Well Shit, it's time for me to go.
Just wanted you to know that
I do Give A Shit and hope you had a nice day,
without a bunch of shit.
But if you happened to catch a load of shit
from some shit head........
Well, shit happens!!!!!!
• You can name the entire cast of The Dukes of Hazzard, but not your congressman.
• The primary color of your car is Bond-O.
• You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
• Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.
• Your bra size is higher than your S.A.T. score.
• Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
• The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
• You can't spell your name without looking at your belt.
• You have to dress up the kids to go to K-mart.
• You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and mother.
• You've ever had to turn your truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
• You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
• The last thing you read was a syphilis pamphlet at the clinic.
• You think the Bud Bowl is real.
• Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
• You think the Super Bowl is a top of the line bathroom fixture.
• Every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.
• No matter which side of the track you live on, it's the wrong side.
• There is the equivalent of 3 large orders of fries scattered on the floorboard of your car.
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS: PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
1. First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz.
I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was a tall, dark haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.. Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention even if all you do is smile and say "hello." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2. Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain.
One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride.Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and
thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away.. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others." Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.
3. Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.. Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
4. Fourth Important Lesson - The Obstacles in Our Path.
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon
approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.
5. Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts.
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked
the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the colour returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I
start to die right away?" Being so young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka
19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
1.. Most blues begin "Woke up this morning .".
2.. "I got a good woman ." is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as "with the meanest dog in town."
3.. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes . sort of.
"I got a good woman, with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and he weigh 500 pounds."
4.. The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMWs, or environmental impact statements.
5.. Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation includes a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6.. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Only adults can sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7.. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Memphis are still the best places to have the blues.
8.. The following colors do not belong in the blues: violet, beige, mauve, and taupe.
9.. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall -- the lighting is all wrong.
10.. Good places for the blues are: the highway, the jailhouse, an empty bed.
11.. Bad places for the blues are: ski resorts, gallery openings, weekend in the Hamptons, Trump Plaza.
12.. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man and meet the following criteria:
1.. your first name is a southern state, like Georgia
2.. you're blind
3.. you shot a man in Memphis (see exception
below)
13.. You may NOT wear a suit if:
1.. you were once blind, but now can see
2.. you have a trust fund
3.. you hold elected office
4.. your woman CAN be satisfied
14.. Neither Julio Iglesias, nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
15.. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
16.. Other blues beverages are:
1.. cheap wine
2.. Irish whiskey
3.. muddy water
17.. Blues beverages are NOT:
1.. any mixed drink
2.. any Kosher wine for Passover
3.. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
18.. If it occurs in a cheap motel, or shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back is a real blues way to die. Other blues ways to die include:
1.. the electric chair
2.. substance abuse
3.. being denied treatment in an Emergency Room
19.. It is NOT a blues death if you die during liposuction treatment.
20.. Some blues names for women include:
1.. Sadie
2.. Big Mama
3.. Bessie
21.. Some blues names for men include: 1.. Joe
2.. Willie
3.. Little Willie
4.. Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia are
not
permitted to sing the blues, no matter how many
men
they shoot in Memphis.
22.. Other blues names (starter kit) include:
1.. a name of a physical deformity (Blind,
Cripple, Asthmatic)
2.. a name of a fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
3.. last name of a President (Jefferson,
Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson,
or Cripple Willie Johnson
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
When Did We Become Totally Stupid?????
In Honor of Stupid People------
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Didja ever wonder?
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on
those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*! < /B
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"
and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make
the Tennessee Titans?
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean
that one enjoys it?
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or
at Hooters.
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people
from Holland called Holes?
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
8.. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
! 9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale bread to begin with?
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
ÿÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*! < /FONT
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming
for their final exam.
ÿ< FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=2
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks , so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
toothpicks?
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they
deliver the mail?
< IMG id=_x0000_i1043 height=47
src="INCREDI_LINK_PLACEHOLDER_19365" width=54 border=0 NOSEND="1"ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
20. You never really learn to swear un! til you learn to drive.
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it
didn't zigzag?
ÿ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance
particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then
installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf
Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
______________
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package,
while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System
Please enter the command:
"http://www.ithoughtyoulovedme.html/"
and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and flowers 3.0.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or
Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a
virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your
system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory
and performance.
We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes
100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about
those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it
takes Bullshit and Ass kissing to put you over the top.
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop inMilwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place"
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff"
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
** ************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at aChicagoRadiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.....He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room- spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
26. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
23. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
24. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
25. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Reasons why you shouldn't drink
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?"
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. " I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Dear God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the! father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)
Death is hereditary.
There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
More funny quotes .........
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
--------Michael L.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
---------Wendell Johnson
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
--------Weinberg
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
--------F Lebowitz
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
--------Robert Frost
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
--------Franklin P. Jones
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
-------Jean Cocturan
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
------Jerry Seinfeld
Funny Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
4. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
6. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
7. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
11. My Reality Check bounced.
12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like ... night.
On the other hand ... you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99.9% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Spread bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
I plan to be spontaneous.............. tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand!
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering "what the hell happened
SOME GREAT ONES IN HERE, ESPECIALLY IF ARE OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER THE SHOW!
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If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will
bring a tear to your eye. These great questions and answers are from the
days when "HollywoodSquares" game show responses were spontaneous and
clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Please note: most, if not all, of those answering the questions are (now)
dead!
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo magazine, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hand
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'l l
give
you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One
is politics. What is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what
was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a
second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both
eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capones's business card said he was a used
furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear
until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only
have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history
not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been
domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single
file, the line would never end because of the rate
of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life,
you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at
red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one
syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over
the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our
nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only
the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each
gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked
by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his
pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the
lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls
froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same
whether they are read left to right or right to
left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language
which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous,
stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have
all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and
"facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable
Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using
the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a
dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus
every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at
work. She's not aware that her 12 year old son is hiding in the closet
during their meetings.
One day, her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover
in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
After a few weeks, it happens again. The boy and the mom's lover are
in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy,"Grab your glove, son.
Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,
"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge someone like
that. That is way more than those two things are worth. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
Gentle thoughts for today...
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With
That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and
Wesson.
30.. I smile! because ! I don't know what the hell is going
on.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying
for. Will Rogers
25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDona! ld's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM!
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,
not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going
to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You
drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
Then you forwa! rd it to a bunch of old pals & friends because you know
they'll enjoy it & do the same...
or were announced in church services.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the
Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action
Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out
and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has
been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this
way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the
choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood
donors for more transfusions. She is also having!
trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor
Jack's
The Rector will preach his farewell message
after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship
that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening
in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon
topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen
to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due
to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and
other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used
to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing
of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on
Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn
singing in the park across from the Church. Bring
a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday
morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch
in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet
Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday
at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door
at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's
new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped
My Pledge - Up Yours
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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